Memoirs of a Broken Soul
by Audrey Bogart
Summary: a one shot about Kikyo's thoughts after Inuyasha embraces her. Goes along with Johnny Cash's "Hurt"


Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha. nor do I own the rights to "hurt" Ok......everybody's probably getting really bored with my songfics but this one is truly different. My other two were about Inuyasha and Kagome and were all lovey dovey....kind of. This one i happen to take a lil pride in. This is in memory of Johnny Cash, one of the greatest singers of all time and also dedicated to the tragic priestess, Kikyo. I feel kind of bad for her. Even if she can be a bitch sometimes....she's kind of entitled to it, ya know? Ok, monologue is over.  
  
Memoirs of a Broken Soul A/N: This is set right after Kagome caught Kikyo and Inuyasha together. Remember? Naraku sent this monster thing and Inuyasha found her.....ok...you remember.....  
  
Kikyo braced herself against a tree and held a ghostly palm against the area of her chest where her heart once beat. Once beat. It had seemed like only yesterday that blood had flowed freely through her veins, sending a blush to her cheeks and energy to body. But now...now it was gone. The blood, the physical pain....the physical happiness, was gone. It had left her body and went on to another. She opened up a diary she had kept when she was a miko in her home village. The pages were filled with childish crushes and broken bones and....Inuyasha. She held up the same dagger that she had pressed against Inuyasha's throat just moments ago. She would've done anything to get herself out of that embrace. What was done was done and she couldn't hold on to a dream any longer. She slid a thin finger down the sharp edge of the dagger. The pain was there and ever a drop of blood. But there it was cold and the pain only lasted for a moment. She glanced down at a blank page and began to write.  
  
I hurt myself today  
To see if I still feel  
I focus on the pain  
The only thing that's real  
The needle tears a hole  
The old familiar sting  
Try to kill it all away  
But I remember everything  
  
Kikyo rested her head against the bark. Yes, she remembered everything. She remembered Inuyasha embracing her when she tripped on the dock and time had stopped just for them. She remembered asking him to turn human for her with the Shikon no Tama. Was it right to request such a thing from him at the time? She remembered hearing his voice as her shoulder was slashed as the imposter made off with her hopes of living a normal life. She remembered pinning Inuyasha to the tree for the act of betrayal she thought he had committed. She remembered dying with that same thought and the wish that he would see her to hell. She remembered pleaing with Kagome's mind to ask the hanyou not to speak her name aloud. But he did, and she awoke with the same hatred she had died with. She wished him dead and nothing would stop her to see that wish fulfilled. A tear struggled to free itself from her eyes, but it was impossible. The dead could not cry, nor could they shed warm blood. She stared at the cut finger and the rest of her hand.  
  
What have I become?  
My sweetest friend  
Everyone I know  
Goes away in the end  
You could have it all  
My empire of dirt  
I will let you down  
I will make you hurt  
  
She still felt a love for the hanyou but knew that nothing could never come from it. He had moved on whether or not he was aware of it. Her reincarnation, Kagome, was different from herself. Kagome was...happy and wanted others to feel the same. Kikyo stared at the clay imitation of her hand. She couldn't do that. If she wasn't happy, nobody else would be. At one time, she was like that too. Never thinking twice about herself but only for those she was taking care of. And then one day a hanyou took pity on her and became a friend to her. *Why did I let myself love you? I should've known. I should've known you would never betray me.* But now, she realized, mending that love was something of dreams. She had betrayed him as well. She had let him down and pinned him to a sacred tree until a curious teenager set him free fifty years later.  
  
I wear this crown of thorns  
On my liar's chair  
Full of broken thoughts  
I cannot repair  
Beneath the stain of time  
The feelings disappear  
You are someone else  
I am still right here  
  
Kagome. It was this teenager that had, ironically, shown the miko the light. A few moments ago, Inuyasha had just professed his vow of protection and Kikyo didn't feel her heart leap with joy. This is what she wanted, wasn't it? She wanted him to fall into her trap and take him to hell with her. But as she desperately held her hanyou she saw the adolescent creeping up beside a tree and instead of a fluttering heart, she felt a sinking weight in her chest. The hanyou before her had changed. The Inuyasha she had known would have never shown emotion to anyone and yet here he was, vowing his life to her. And she knew better. She knew that it was Kagome who had softened his heart and not her. He was becoming man. He was able to recognize his faults and take a stand. He was changing but yet she was in the body she had left behind with the same feelings she had died with; unable to recognize her faults and fight herself over letting go and moving on, ridding the world of Naraku - the one who had actually betrayed her.  
  
What have I become?  
My sweetest friend  
Everyone I know  
Goes away in the end  
You could have it all  
My empire of dirt  
I will let you down  
I will make you hurt  
  
She wanted no more than to go back to Inuyasha. But what could she offer him? A cold, bitter, spiritless clay mold of what she used to be? She wasn't the miko that had fallen for a half demon, she was pile of ash, dirt,stolen souls, and hatred mixed together to form a body. Why? Why couldn't she be as lucky as the hanyou's teenager and live again? That was she all she wanted now. A life of her own even if a heart didn't beat inside of her, she was still able to move; she was still able to heal and help. But everywhere she went, people found out about her and she became an outcast time and time again.  
  
If I could start again  
A million miles away  
I would keep myself  
I would find a way.  
  
Kikyo gasped for air as if she had been crying for hours. She was free now, she kept telling herself that. But she couldn't go back fix what was broken, right the wrong, apologize to the deceived. She closed her diary held it close to her. She wanted nothing more than to start over. If what had taken place fifty years didn't occur the way it did, she would still be sitting in this tree but she would old and worn, sporting grey hair and wise features. She would more than likely have grandchildren if her and Inuyasha had made it together as a couple and she would die in a warm bed, in the embrace of her husband. But she was already dead. And such a dream would never become a reality. Her hanyou had unintentionally fallen in love with another and Kikyo's life was gone. She now wandered the earth in a clay corpse with a piece of her reincarnation's soul. The miko curled up on a branch and fell asleep in her despair. 


End file.
